


patience, determination, and learning about self-love.

by vinndetta



Category: Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Life Partners, Platonic Male/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Suicidal Thoughts, generous use of italics, its tagged as slash because you can view it that way if you want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 18:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17126774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinndetta/pseuds/vinndetta
Summary: "Please," Ryland's voice cracks. "Give me a reason.""Because you're the only one that stayed."





	patience, determination, and learning about self-love.

**Author's Note:**

> someone: vinnnnn why are you writing good game fanfiction that was so last year  
> me: bc fuck it amirite
> 
> anyway seriously i hope you enjoy this! i tagged some stuff, but i guess this is a good spot for a trigger warning for suicidal/depressive thoughts. please do enjoy this :)

_Crash!_

Alex's eyes opens in the middle of the night, startled by the sudden noise of something falling and hitting the ground.

His eyes blur, as he reached up to his face to rub at his face. He lays there, waiting for something to happen, some other noise to disrupt his sleep.

But nothing really comes.

Well, nothing except for that haunting feeling that's creeping up his spine. 

It's the feeling that something is wrong, something he's familiar with. He gets this feeling, and he knows that something is off, that something bad is going to happen. Alex hates this feeling, that he's completely aware of the existence of something bad, but not enough to detect what it is beforehand so he could stop said bad thing from happening. It's the same feeling that he awoke with when he found out his best friend died all those years ago, it's the same feeling that he felt when he touched the mailbox knowing that the letter inside was his dad telling him to cease contact, and it's that exact feeling that's driving him up the wall with worry of the endless possibilities.

He wants to close his eyes and go back to sleep, but only the former is possible - his brain won't stop flickering with random thoughts and images. He hasn't been like this since his early years of adulthood, when he was initially diagnosed with OCD and anxiety, when his family shamed him, when relieving his mental health by pursuing his own dream led him to being cut off from those he had loved. He'd lost so many people in his life, and he didn't want to lose anyone else, especially--

Ryland.

Alex sits up almost instantaneously. He stops to listen, hearing only his breathing and his heart beating quickly. The walls aren't exactly soundproof, so he can definitely hear any weird noises that are coming from the room next door. However, only silence greets Alex, who seems to ignore that and focus on his accelerating feeling of concern and worry. It was rising rapidly, getting to the point where he knew he had to get up and wonder if Ry was alright. 

Ryland was his best friend, he knew that. But sometimes, it was hard to really understand what Ryland was to him. He saved him during his darkest moments; sure, Ryland was bitter and sarcastic, but Alex knew that there was some love for him somewhere in there. There was nothing that they couldn't face together.

Alex swung his legs around to get off the bed, standing up as quietly as possible. In the darkness, he walked cautiously with his arms out until his fingers came into contact with the wooden door. He slowly opened the door, tip toeing out. The living room was still a mess, but he elected to ignore the state of the room to leave it for future Alex and Ryland to worry about. 

Alex stood in front of Ryland's door, raising his hand to knock on the door before he thought better of it. He wasn't sure if he should walk in on his friend, who might still be sleeping.

Instead, he stood there, ear towards the door, waiting to hear anything that came from the room. 

However, the silence isn't pierced by any new noise, so Alex tries to believe that his instincts are wrong and that he's overreacting.

Alex has his hand on his door knob, ready to go back in and knock out for the night again when he hears a soft sob.

It's very quiet, as if the person was trying to stay quiet. The sob sounds broken, as if there's intense pain hiding behind it.

"Ryland," Alex says under his breath.

Alex steps back silently towards Ryland's room, hesitating a bit before knocking on the door.

He hears a small gasp. It feels like hours have gone by, every second feeling like it's been stretched by a black hole sucking up time and space faster than the speed of light, until Ryland responds, "Yeah?" with a monotone voice.

"Can I... come in?" Alex says, unsure if he should even be asking that, if he should bother his friend, if maybe this was a big mistake. Either way, the words already tumbled out of his mouth, so he was unable to hold them in or take them back.

"Yeah," Ryland muttered again.

Alex moves to open the door, finding Ryland sitting up in the darkness, staring at the wall in front of him. Alex looks around a bit, taking in the fact that nothing seems out of the ordinary.

He walks towards the bed, feeling a pair of eyes watching him as he sat down on the corner of the bed. "Uhm," he started. "Are you okay, Ry?"

"Would you be upset if I lied?" 

Alex blinks, looking at Ryland with a blank expression. The light from the moon shines in through the open window, illuminating both of their faces. He's not sure what to do, as he's completely unprepared for a question like that. Ryland's not usually direct when it comes to talking about emotions and feelings, so he does try to avoid those subjects or be very vague during those conversations. Alex doesn't think Ryland's ever lied to him about that kind of serious stuff before, but then again, are they really that close? They're friends, and Alex can say with confidence that he doesn't really have many. Even if they're roommates, it doesn't mean that they're necessarily close. Ryland usually stays at home to play video games and Alex is usually out drinking or getting high. Even when Alex is at home, he's usually drunk or high anyway, so whether he's in his usual place of his room or watching Arin play games, he doesn't have a clear memory of the time they spend together.

It sort of makes Alex feel bad, that he's living with a man he claims to be his friend when they could be closer; he could be a better friend, a better person in Ryland's life. But he's not.

 _Some life partner he is_ , he thinks bitterly to himself.

But he could try to be. 

"Well," Alex started, taking in a deep breath. "Not so much upset, more like... disappointed."

Ryland's face immediately fell, to which Alex tried to correct what he said. "Not so much disappointed in you, of course, it's just..." Alex furrowed his eyebrows. "I just thought that maybe I could help since we're friends, and all."

Ryland looks like he's about to say something, but Alex cuts him to the chase.

"I just don't want to you feel like you have to lie to me, or that you have to cover up. I want you to be honest with me, and feel that you always can be."

With those words, Ryland's eyes drift down. He looks almost pensive, as if he's really thinking about the words Alex says, the words that he's saying from the bottom of his heart.

"Why?" Ryland says under his breath. Alex almost doesn't hear him, but he raises an eyebrow at the singular-word reply.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Ryland spats out bitterly and Alex feels taken aback at the aggressive tone of his voice. "No one cares about me."

"Come on, Ry, you know that's not-"

"I'm right, and you fucking know it! I don't mean anything to you guys, I don't mean anything to you, _I don't mean anything to anyone!_ " Ryland's words feel like they've slapped Alex across the face, so he looks at his best friend in shock. It's dark, but he can see those glossy eyes glaring at him. As much as he wants to get mad, he feels as if his friend is just letting off some steam, some internal anger.

"Ryland, the team, everyone, loves you and so do I-" Alex tries to say something to get him to stop belittling himself, but Ryland seems to have backed away, his back to the bed's headboard.

"Would you _STOP_ lying to me? No one cares about me, and no one loves me. No one ever will, because _caring about me isn't worth it!_ "

There's a moment of silence, and all Alex can hear is Ryland's heavy breathing as he stops yelling to catch his breath. Alex is in a state of shock, not knowing what to do in this kind of situation. Ryland usually isn't the type of person to yell; when he's angry, he steps away and broods.

This might be his fault, Alex realizes, as he came into the room, came into his personal space. Ryland can't retreat now without leaving his bed, and Alex feels guilt washing over him instantaneously.

He gets up, stepping back in the darkness. All he can see is Ryland's figure sitting up in the dark. He can't see his face to gauge his emotions, not sure if he's crying, not sure if he's angry. But at this point, Alex just wants to give him his space.

But he doesn't want to leave. 

He can't just leave his friend like this, feeling backed into a corner and feeling as if he doesn't matter to anyone. He needs to say something, needs to get him to believe that he's loved. He's afraid, he realizes, that if he steps out of the room, Ryland will be left to his own devices. And based on personal experiences, Alex is afraid of the worst-case scenario.

It feels like hours as all these thoughts run through Alex's mind, but it's actually only seconds until Alex says something again. 

"Guess I should legally change my name to 'No One,' huh?" Alex muttered, looking at the ground directly in front of Ryland's bed.

"What?" Ryland's voice rings out. It's in a more relaxed tone of voice, so Alex steps forward, stopping at the edge of the bed to look directly at Ryland.

" _I love you._ " Those words come out, and Alex doesn't know where to go with that, so he starts rambling. "I care about you, Ry. You're my best friend, and you're the most important person in my life. You're deserving of love and care and, and, and everything nice. I don't know who's been telling you otherwise, or if it's just the voices in your head, but they're wrong. We care about you. _I care about you!_ " 

Alex starts gripping the footboard of the bed, holding it tightly.

"I believe in you. If no one believes in you, well," Alex stuttered at the end, nervous thinking about the next words that were going to come out of his mouth. "Then, I believe in you."

There's silence. Alex lets go of the footboard, rubbing at his jaw. He had clenched his jaw in anger. He wasn't angry at Ryland; he just was so frustrated that this man, this beautiful man, didn't see the beauty in himself.

"Are you still lying to me?" Ryland whispers.

Alex feels a pang in his heart, as he quickly walks around the bed to reach out to Ryland. He finds his friend's hand and holds on to it as if he ever let go, they'd never see each other ever again.

"No, no, no," Alex starts to tear up. "Ryland, I would never-"

Ryland pulls his hand away with more strength than Alex knew he had. " _Don't._ "

"I'm not lying, Ryland, please." He reaches out, gets down on his knees to get at the same level, but Ryland looks away.

"Please, don't joke about this, _stop it_ -"

"Ryland, I wouldn't _fucking lie_ to you about this-"

" _Stop it!_ "

"I'm serious, Ryland! Those voices are lying to you, because we love you, and I love you. The esports team, Ryland, you're more than just a tool to them. You're not a tool - _you're so much more than that._ "

There's a small pause as those words sink in. Alex wants Ryland to understand, wants him to see that he's speaking from the heart.

"How do I know?"

Alex blinked. "What?"

"How do I know you're not lying to me?"

Alex paused. "Ryland-"

"Answer me." The voice comes out soft and shaky. Alex feels as if he's been stabbed in the heart. "Tell me why. Tell me why I should try, why I shouldn't give up."

Alex doesn't know how to respond, doesn't know what the right words to say are. Ryland's leaning towards him now, his face illuminated in the moonlight streaking in through the window. There's a few tear trails going down his cheeks, and Alex wants to reach out and wipe those tears away. Ryland's there, his walls breaking down, and Alex just needs to open his arms and catch him.

"Ry..."

"Please," Ryland's voice cracks. "Give me a reason."

" _Because you're the only one that stayed._ "

Ryland looks up. "What?"

Alex gulps. "You're the only one who stayed."

Ryland doesn't say anything to that, just stares at Alex.

"When I had lost all hope, you gave me it. When everyone had left, you stayed. When I thought nothing was worth it, you showed me love. You showed me that it was worth it." Alex starts to sniff. "Ryland, you were my first best friend... like a true best friend. No one else has ever come close to what you mean to me."

"Alex..." Ryland whispers.

Alex gets up, and sits on the edge of the bed. "You were the first one to treat me like a human being, did you know that? On the night that we... met..." Alex blinks rapidly, trying to will the tears away. "I thought _that was the last night that I was going to be alive._ "

"You..." Ryland seems to have lost his confidence, his face contorted into one of fear and concern.

"I know life's been hard for you -- it has for me, too. But... I really believe... I really do... I really believe that it'll get easier..." Alex grabs onto Ryland's hand. "... with you... us... _together._ "

Ryland's face scrunches up, tears flowing down his face freely. He can't even muster a response, just squeezing Alex's hand back.

They both sit there in silence for a bit, looking at each other. At the sight of Ryland openly crying in front of him, Alex lets his tears flow as well. In the dimly lit room via moonlight, Alex sees the hint of a smile and the glimmer of something he wishes so desperately to be hope.

"I don't deserve you," Ryland says through his sobs. Alex wraps his arms around his friend, rubbing circles in Ryland's back to try to comfort him.

"No... not true." Alex smiles softly. "It is I that doesn't deserve you."

Ryland leans into Alex's figure, who shifts slightly to get his whole body comfortably on the bed. Alex lays back, brushing his hands through Ryland's hair.

"Will you stay?" Ryland whispers. They're both laying together, cuddling. Arms around each other, neither of them want to leave, doesn't want to be alone after what just happened, doesn't want to wake up and wonder if it was all just a dream.

" _Forever._ " Alex says under his breath, closing his eyes. " _Always and forever._ "

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @vinndetta on tumblr and dreamwidth (the latter is still a work-in-progress though!), and i'm also on ko-fi under the same username if you'd like to support me!
> 
> thanks so much for reading; comments/kudos will be appreciated very much! <3
> 
> -
> 
> me: writes this  
>  _It hurt itself in the process!_


End file.
